everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.