How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
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[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.