Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
You Might Also Like
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
what does he know…
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
*power walks to the refrigerator*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Monica just destroyed the internet
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied