If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.