Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
You Might Also Like
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?