If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
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[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Bless you
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!