Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
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In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
adam and eve had first world problems
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Lmaoo 😂
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.