If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Woke up against my better judgment again