This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.