[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
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5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.