Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.