I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
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After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.