I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
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Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
this independent good boy don’t need no human
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.