*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
You Might Also Like
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
No Google it does not
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.