My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.