So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
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My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I can also cook 😂
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
screw you
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.