Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
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DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.