I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you鈥檙e not home yet.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa鈥檚 drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Them: I鈥檓 not getting that vaccine! I don鈥檛 know what鈥檚 in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 馃ズ
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it鈥檚 my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
this article brought to you by lions
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
me: I鈥檓 in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can鈥檛 be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn鈥檛 do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?