[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
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[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
TODAY
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.