Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
why does this building look like a guilty dog
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.