Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
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Gods work.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.