you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
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I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
me irl
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Education is vital
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store