I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
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My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
#MeanwhileinCanada
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.