why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
This meeting could have been a cake
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”