Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am