Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?