I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
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Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.