Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
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Autocorrect completely socks
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit