One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
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Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I occasionally drink every single night.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.