Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
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WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?