A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti