I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
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Ferrari squats
Salad is the decaf of food.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”