Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
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I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen