Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
what could possibly go wrong?
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Who.
Did.
This?
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED