Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
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My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up