My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
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Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?