“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
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“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Great acting.. 😂
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance