Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.