Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Overindulged this afternoon.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.