We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
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Probably my best painting.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
broke down and did it
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
*mops up wine with cat*
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.