Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
road rage
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.