Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.