Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
TODAY
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.