Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor