For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
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GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
They did not think through this water fountain
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
At Walmart during the holidays like..
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together