Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
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[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Sharon, call the vet
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.