You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
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[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
They’re on their honeymoon
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.