Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
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Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My first child will be named New Folder.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Spider-cat: No One Home
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Monica just destroyed the internet
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”