The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
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why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I need this for my side hustle.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
It be like that sometimes 😆
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.