Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.